Monday, November 23, 2009

All Weepy and Such

This is my vulnerable letter. It’s the one where I decided to tell you what I love. I make it vulnerable on purpose because in my mind it doesn’t count unless I let you in and let you see past the wall that has taken me years and years and years to build. We all have one. It’s the wall that we build so that people can see our general form, the basic shape but they can’t see our soul, they can’t see all the way in. Because if they did see in, if we were exposed naked and raw, then people would know our secret, that dark secret that no one would believe but us: that what’s deep inside doesn’t matter. And this week I’ve decided I don’t care and that the real way to give something back, to offer gratitude for all that I have is to give that biggest thing, give up the wall and let you see what’s inside.

Let’s go straight for the jugular here. I love, love, love—heart -aching, squeeze my breath out, leave a pit in my gut, a pull in my throat and tearing up as I type kind of love—my wife Celeste. It’s that kind of love that makes me stupid. I’d do anything for that woman. She understands me better than any other human on the planet. She gives me eyes to see this world.

I love my twin brother. Yes, I have a twin. In addition to sharing DNA, we share our sense of humor, although he was portioned much more of it, and much more creativity than me. Good thing I was given all the good looks (understand that we’re identical). I love that I can call him (he lives in LA) and that we can drop suddenly and seamlessly into the mundane details of each other’s lives and both understand that it’s not the minutia that we’re talking about but that we’re holding an underlying tacit conversation of connection and support.

I love yoga, this amazing path toward self-understanding. It’s beautiful, challenging, mentally, spiritually, and physically engaging, and at the end of the day just feels damn good. I love this healthy body, my vehicle for driving me toward understanding this crazy/beautiful world. I know unequivocally that not all bodies work like they should and to have one that does is an amazing blessing.

I love to feel this body move whether that’s by yoga, running or dancing. I’m a closeted dancer, you know, who is starting to come out into the light. I love Ecstatic Dance for inviting that part of me to live.

I love God.

I love waking up and lying there in bed, warm listening to the silence, soaking up that peace and contentment. I love watching someone play and sing their guts out on a guitar. I love the sound of a cello. I love to listen to someone who knows their business on a stand-up bass. Who ever invented the concept of hot cocoa with whipped cream and cinnamon, I want to kiss you on the mouth! I love stepping into my apartment, closing the front door and standing there for a moment in the dark and the quiet, safe. I love my dearest friends who’ve got my back and who know my problems and secrets and neuroses and who still want to hang out with me and drink tea or eat Indian food. I love those people who really get me. I guess I feel that I really need that. I love my mentor, Teri. I love hanging out with my dad and just listening to music, no need to talk, just sit and listen, mostly jazz. I love stepping into my moms house and smelling her home-made rolls. I love my Thursday morning ritual: led by my sax teacher, spelunking into the heads of John Coltrane and Miles Davis and others and I find my own voice as I blow through my saxophone on maps that the masters have drawn. I love to sing though my sax. I love Jazz’s freedom and language, it’s soul. Then getting chocolate after at Hatch Family Chocolates.

I love to be privileged to have found work that feeds me. It never feels like work. I love the sacred privilege you give me to sometimes step into your lives. I love you all.

Most importantly and simply I love. Along my own journey, it’s taken me years to take down the walls. Thanks for visiting this soul. And here’s the paradox, I’m trying to give something back and have spent the most beautiful hour filling my heart with all the things I love until I’m weepy and sappy. Any you know, I can’t wait to live this day! Hey everyone, try this. It’s fantastic!


~Karen Michelle Bayard~ said...

I love the husssshhhhh that comes over the land when snow falls. I love the way my soul opens up when I am by the ocean. I feel like nothing and everything all at once.

I am steeped in amazement at how much joy I felt being in a room with Leraine as she received praise, support and music back from everyone at her release party. I cried and sang and laughed, it was so intimate and sensuous.

I love my pets. I learned so much from animals in a time in my life that felt hard to be around people. They have been the bridge back to myself and to trusting my heart with people.

I love that my community includes family, friends and even brand new acquaintances. I never feel alone, even when I choose time for solitude. I am part of a wave of loving people that is gi-normous! The love I am feeling for people these days is powerful and world altering. I used to think of myself as a WARrior. I am realizing that I am can co-create so much more as a LOVER. And that feels goood!

I love to rejuvenates me, relaxes me and helps me to know myself more by removing perceived obstacles and confusion. It is my favorite breath practice! And it’s fun!

I love to teach. There is something that happens in a room when people are learning. There is an openness that is incredible. Transformation happens in the spaciousness of learning...the beginning of a new direction for the witness and the willing. I am always in awe at how much I LEARN by teaching.

I love to travel, there is a rumble in me that happens when I see planes & ships. . When I am en route to another country, I can hardly contain myself! If the trip involves a foreign language, all the better. I am always happy to brush up on my skills and make comical attempts at learning new languages. Plus eating new & ethnic foods ABSOLUTELY THRILL ME! I like road trips too

I love to dance! I am always transformed when my body is in motion. That includes Feldenkrais. My body has a wisdom that can be accessed no other way I know of yet. Whether slow or fast, when my body moves it’s as if the handle of a jack-in-the-box that’s being turned. What POPS out is always love, clarity, knowledge and an immense ability to connect with others.

I love to perform. It is another chance to interact with people through laughter, stories, music & movement. I am at home on stage. Truly. There is a moment between just passed the curtains in the wings and center stage that is delicious for me! I feel as though my life shifts into slow motion, I turn to face the audience and WOW...real time...good times! I love the pacing, the interaction, the relationship between the audience and me. I adore this time!

OMG Scott what a wonderful and juicy question, I could go on and on. I feel teary and full and happy! My heart is beating in a tempo that feels like a sultry, seductive dance. I am LOVING THIS MOMENT! Thank you for the invitation to love today!

Anonymous said...

I love my dear wife and children who give me so much more joy than they know. I love listening to my children jam on their instruments together in the basement as I sit in my big easy chair with a cup of my own blend of coffee. In order to really love life, I've had to physically die I love life. Every second of it. I love not being able to understand why I've kept living when I've been told I would die in 6-12 months, 7 times in the last 5 1/2 years. There is something up there way bigger than me who has decided I am on the planet because my work is not done here. I love what you have done for me Scott and I love YOU in the way you love hot chocolate! So I guess that means I want to kiss you right on the lips for all you have given me. I love the people you love and my community of friends and family who've been here for me in the rough times. I love the feel of warm sun on my face and my body. I love floating on my back in my pool buck naked in the sun with my eyes closed. I love the practice of Qi Gong toward a young tree in the sunken garden in my backyard where Qi gathers.
I love the feeling of being smothered in blankets when my bedroom is cold.

Celeste said...

I've just read your letter, Scotty.

My throat is tight 'cause I think my heart is trying to escape, too big for this body, too big for this room, this building. Tears are running down my cheeks in this quiet public library with a guy tapping on a real old typewriter behind me, keeping me here. Thank you, Scott Moore, for being so freaking beautiful. You get better with age, my love. Thank you for being willing to change and grow--I feel like I'm living with some sort of dynamic, mutating creature, every year brightening and strenthening, every year wings coloring and unfolding...

...and one day you will soar as you do in your dreams, as my heart does every time she really holds you, and nothing else. I am amazed at your growth. I am amazed at your willingness to free your heart and let it engulf me and this whole big beautiful universe.

I never pass by an invitation to say Thank You:

To you (read: soulmate, best friend, light of my life, teacher, lover, solace, joy, inspiration, cackle-inducer, problem solver, travel companion), to my mother (read: endless love), to my family, to my friends (read: family), to this amazing planet we have the privilege to pass time on, to children, to animals, to my body (read: teacher and joy maker), to poetry, to music, to my voice that loves to sing my soul right out into the air, to wilderness and lonely trails, to growth and forgiveness and transience and change, to the sacred in everything and everyone, and the sense of God I feel every day in my life, to my car, Sophia Honu, that is gracious enough to take me anywhere on this continent, over any horizon, to my pain, fear, fatigue, and tears, which teach me silence, faith, honesty, compassion, and resilience...

Thank you. I love you.

Anonymous said...

I love Monday mornings at 10 am because for the last 4 (?) years I've gotten to soak up Scott's thoughts and insight. You, my friend, deserve the Best of everything because you give me so much.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE people who are genuine and true, like you.

Brooke said...

I think I speak for the majority when I say we are all thankful for you, our guide and friend. I myself am lucky to have the kind of love with my spouse that you and Celeste share, nice to know that people feel that way about the person there married to. I'm just thankful for this amazing journey of life and knowing that my gratitude for that life I've created plays the biggest part in my happiness. I love, love.

P.S. love my kitties, yoga, my family

Anonymous said...

I love the feel of a basketball court. The floor squeaking and giving to your weight. Tying up your shoes nice and tight for the fast moving chess game that is about to ensue. Then moving up and down the floor, the squeaking of soles, the sound of the ball on the floor, or the SWISH of the net, oh that swish is a sweet sound! I love the speed and the power of that incredible game.

I love the sun as is beats down on me anywhere, my head, my face, my shoulders, just about anywhere. The hotter the better. I love 105 degrees in the shade, I love 110 degrees in the shade. I love the sun.

I love my family. My son's smile that covers his entire face, my daughter's laugh that gets an entire room going, my next daughter's ability to make people feel calm and relaxed when she is there, and my newest daughter's ability to let go of her horrible former life and embrace the one she has now. I love my husband, yes the one that I have loved since childhood, the one I knew was the one before I could drive. After thirty years the hair on the back of my neck still stands up when he nudges or nibbles on the back on my neck. I love my 90 year old dad. He can't remember much, but I can, and I love him.
I love any kind of movement. I am so grateful that my body cooperates and lets me move in all the different ways I want to move. I feel complete when I move.
Which brings me to yoga. Every once in a while I actually find that inner self. That piece of me that doesn't judge or think or decide, that just is. I have only found that because of you Scott, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Charsti

Anonymous said...

As Thanksgiving time approaches, it is appropriate to say how much I appreciate you--you as a knowledgeable teacher (I'm an old dancer and very picky about who teaches me any kind of movement!), you as a person that I like and that my body stands straighter, bends easier and functions with less effort/strain. Thank you very much!!
Suzy Mihalopoulos

Sandi Longhurst said...

What an incredible post Scott (right up there on my favorites list with your story of playing in prison). I love the inspiration of your relationship with Celeste and the obvious deep love you share. I am grateful for teachers from all walks of life – sitting in a formal setting to gather wisdom or bumping into accidental learning on the streets or on line. I appreciate the purrrrr of a soft kitty cat and the fluid grace of animals in the wild. I am grateful for my health and strength and opportunities to recreate and explore the amazing fleshy, bony, fluidy mass I am lucky to inhabit. As many others I love music, movement and dance.

I love teaching Dancemeditation (right at the heart where yoga, dance and somatic practices like Feldenkrais converge). I am deeply grateful for the things I take for granted every day – literacy, choice and freedom. I appreciate a regular paycheck, warm clothing, a comfortable place to sleep and nutritious food. I live for inspiration and love those who have the courage to put it out there. I am eternally grateful for my friends who are my family and have been crucial influences in my evolution. I love every one of my senses and the opportunities to explore and develop them.

Portia said...

I have to agree with Karen. I love it when is snows huge, fluffy white flakes and everything else is invisible and inaudible. Then I love the calm after when the sun is revealed and there is white glisten-covered everything. Thanks for the inspiration, Karen! I love my fellow internet radio station workers. They are down-to-earth, kind, generous, and always cheerful. I love what that station represents, serving the music community and playing music just for the love of it or having a talk show to speak about thoughtful or even just funny issues. Today Tom Barbieri discussed the word "whatever", which was crazy amusing to listen to. It made me smile. I love my two male tabby cats who are my in-home entertainment. I really lucked out on the cat personality lottery. I love the support of my family and a few friends who really care about my well-being. I love supporting local musicians by airing their music or going to a show. My recent favorite show was at a coffee shop Sunday afternoon during a fluffy snow storm. It was gorgeous, the snow and the music. I love my ability to be physically strong when I practice yoga regularly as well as fitting into them skinny jeans.I also love the subject of this blog! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, beautiful posts. Thank you, Scott, for sharing and starting this outpouring of gratitude! Beautiful!

Anonymous said...

I love my husband who is also my best friend. I love my children so much it scares the shit out of me. I love God, the one beautiful, patient constant in my world. I love yoga and the way it makes me feel physically, mentally and spiritually. I love to sing - even though I'm terrible at it. I love kitty cats. I love time with good friends, especially one on one. I love having time alone. I love to read. I love hot lattes on cold mornings. I love thunderstorms. I love to lie in bed and listen to rain. I love to laugh. I love my friend Scott.

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PsychWriter said...

Wow. I am so moved moved you, Scott & Celeste. By the love you have allowed to pervade your souls and shine through all over us. And each of you who shared. Having tears spring to my eyes, what a gift, thank you.

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